Whenever Hagrid finally decides to retire as Care of Magical Creatures professor you can bet your last knut that Charlie Weasley flies back to England the following week excitedly waving his resume and recommendation letters from no less than two Scamanders and the Minister of Magic, Hermione Granger.
I’m pretty sure he would also have recommendation letters from Rubeus Hagrid, the retiring professor, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and a very confusing one from Puddlemere United player, Oliver Wood, saying that he was one of the best Seekers he had ever seen.
Not to mention the fact that he flies back to England not on a broomstick or any other normal form of transportation, but landing on the Hogwarts grounds on the back of the largest dragon anyone has ever seen.
Reblogging again for that last addition.
Charlie: *glides in on a dragon* HELLO HIRE ME
Everyone: What the fuck
Ron: (in the background, mortified) this is normal
People always joke about the Marauders thinking a stray dog is really Sirius but imagine that the Marauders are exploring the Forbidden Forest and they split up and all of a sudden, a deer comes over and nudges Sirius. And he’s just like, “Oh, hey, mate.” And the deer just nudges him again. And they finally decide to head back to the castle but the deer is having none of it so they literally have to drag him out of the forest. Only they’re panicking because he’s not changing back and come on James, this isn’t funny, you know we can’t get caught. And so they start to worry that something is wrong and he can’t change back. And so they smuggle him back into the castle. And by smuggle I mean, they throw the Invisibility Cloak over him but since he’s a deer, it doesn’t really cover much. And that’s the story of how Professor McGonagall looks up and sees three boys shoving a headless deer past her doorway and she promptly decides that it’s not her problem.
So they get the deer to the common room and it’s only then that they begin to speculate that maybe this deer isn’t James after all. But the deer just keeps doing really vague things that could be James. And they spend the rest of the afternoon having to decide if this really is James and if it is, if he’s messing with them or if something’s wrong, and if he’s not, did they just kidnap a deer?
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Like we always talk about Sirius’ dog traits and Peter’s rat traits…what about James? Does he freeze when he sees headlights? Does he have an affinity for salt licks? What do deer even do?
Occasionally, Lily will walk in on him rubbing his head against the bedpost.
One year after James got Sirius a box of dog treats for his birthday as a joke, Sirius got James a salt lick for Christmas…
…neither of them say anything when they walk in on each other indulging in said gifts…
A day or so later, Sirius was peeved to find that his half-empty box of dog treats had been pillaged, with only a few crumbs left behind.
At dinner that night, Remus ate much less than usual.
Peter just looks at all of them like they are crazy until they buy him a giant wheel of gormet cheese for his birthday and he nearly cries from happiness
james suddenly decides to become a vegetarian around fifth year
when he sees something strange, sometimes sirius involuntarily makes that little *boof* sound dogs make when they don’t know if they should fully bark
peter is actually the first of the four to grow any facial hair, just a few wispy blonde mustache hairs on either side of his mouth, right about where whiskers would be…
Okay but imagine them being outside for whatever reason and James is absentmindedly playing with the grass before he just picks it up and puts it into his mouth without even realizing why anyone is staring at him.
James: *chewing on grass*
Sirius: mate…the fuck?
James: *stops chewing for a second.* oh please, we all saw you bury that chicken bone from dinner the other day.
Sirius:…point taken…
Sirius:…wait…*eyes narrow. Growls* you saw?
Remus: *sigh* Sirius no one’s going to steal your bone…
Sirius: damn right they won’t. *gets up.* EVERYONE CLOSE YOUR EYES. NOW I HAVE TO MOVE IT!
James also wakes up literally at the crack of fucking dawn and it drives everyone insane
And poor Minerva never understood her inexplicable urge to hiss whenever the marauders entered the room.
• Deer don’t sleep for extended periods of time. They dose. James is up and down all night. The marauders get used to it eventually, but it drives Lily absolutely crazy.
• They prefer to sleep against solid objects. James can’t sleep if the mattress is too soft and it’s not unusual to find him napping on the floor or propped up against the wall.
• everyone assumes Peter is the lookout during pranks, but Deer have an amazing ability to sense even the slightest danger. James was incredibly on Order missions.
• mature bucks assert their dominance by trying to intimidate others with constant eye contact. This has caused a lot of stare downs between James and Sirius, which usually results in the two of them wrestling each other because they are both too stubborn to back down.
He stares down others also. Peter always gives in right away. James never dares to stare Remus down.
BONUS:
Before mating, Does often play “hard to get” and make the bucks chase after them before allowing the bucks to “catch” them…
Ladies and gentlemen of the fandom, I give you Lily Evans.
deer are extremely fast and active with fast reflexes, hence james was such a good quidditch player
deer can hear higher frequencies than humans, and have better hearing which proved extremely useful for the marauders
jk rowling really shouldve just shut the fuck up about dumbledore being gay like the series was over what was the point? plus who wanted dumbledores lame ASS to be gay she couldve picked a fucking baller but she chose him wow like tonks was a lesbian the whole time and we all knew!!!!
also seamus and dean were right there!!!!!
nothing sirius ever did in the entire series could be classified as straight
sometimes i mourn the fact we will never see what harry would be like if sirius had been proven innocent and raised him but then i remember that potter puppet pals is a thing that exists
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again since no-one has yet given me a valid reason as to why James Potter, lacking a wand, didn’t just transform into Prongs when Voldy turned up and like… fucking spear him. Why didn’t he do that? Like I don’t care how astonishingly powerful a dark wizard he was, no-one could ever be prepared for walking into a house and there’s just… a massive fuck off stag staring you down? How could you possibly react to that?
You couldn’t, giving said stag the opportunity to put an antler through his eye and save the day. Not to mention, can you imagine the Prophet headlines if that was how it’d gone down?
On the Pottermore website,
J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop.
There’s an excerpt about the Chamber
of Secrets that says wizards didn’t need
toilets because they ‘simply relieved
themselves where they stood,
and vanished the evidence.’ SourceSource 2
i fucking hate jk rowling so much because years and years after this franchise has ended she is still continuing trying to make it bad to the point where she said that every character in harry potter canonically shits themselves and then casts a shit vanishing spell
fuck this is b a d
This reminds me of the hufflepuff group masturbation tweets
The what?
Just imagine you’re taking a test for potions with Snape and the guy sitting next to you just fucking shits himself the nastiest, slimiest shit of his life out of stress. And you literally have to sit there with a straight face while fuckin Todd JingleJangles cleans himself up in the dead quiet room with some stupid ass line like “vanish me poopum” and you just gotta live with the knowledge that some kid just shit himself beside you during a fucking test.
- everyone answering “no, i’m fred” to “are you [insert Y/N]” even hermione
- everything draco does ever
- calling blast ended skrewts “power bottoms”
- calling newt scamander bad variations of his name like nerd sandwicher etc
- colin creevey using that one picture he managed to get of hermione punching draco as a reaction image
- shouting “spank me daddy” at the whomping willow
- [pointing at random object] that’s a portkey
- every single cat is professor mcgonagall
why
- POTTER
- ever since snape’s “bottle fame, brew fortune” speech students just go on and on with it - “flambé success, bake brilliance” “Can you tutor me in charms?” “TUTOR you? I can teach you how to SAUTÉ EXCELLENCE.”
- [random object] is totally a hufflepuff
- remember that game where someone yells “SHATNER” and you have to overact? same thing except it’s “TRELAWNEY” and you have to use whatever you’re holding to make a ludicrous prediction
- a more popular variation is “LOCKHART” to make up a pompous story about using whatever you’re holding to drive the [monster] out of [town]
- calling hippogriffs “leggy birbs”
- “Our beloved headmaster Albert Dumpsterfire/Aqueous Disillusionment/Aberdeen Decapitation…”
- shitty incantations ( “The Graying Hair Charm? Make-me-bloody-ancient-osia.” )
reblogging for albert dumpsterfire xD
-the dumbledore one, except you keep adding incorrect names, like albert pensive wallace herbert richard flamingo sherbet tango luthor…
-*peeves appears* IT DAT BOI
-”i’d rather be petrified”
-”so a shack gets to scream and it’s all normal and haunted, but when i do it i’m disturbing class and a nuisance”
y’all out here talking about us slytherins as sneaky and cunning and our ambition means we’ll go high places and do renowned things and we’re snakes and we’ll never stop and yeah that’s true but also like what the fuck y’all on about?
sometimes determination is stuffing fifty two sweets in our mouth for a silly dare and ambition is trying to get higher grades than another guy out of pure fucking spite like not all we do is for some higher purpose lmao
The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. That’s literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, “Sorry, Buckbeak flew away.”
“There’s a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.”
“A different hipprogriff.”
“I’m… pretty sure that’s the same hipprogriff.”
“Prove it.”
no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies
Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book
Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.
Remus: Erm… this is our new order member, my… cousin Gerald. Gerald White.
“Mr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!” “Oh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesn’t wear glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.” “Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!” “He can’t he needs them to see.”
it got better
It’s honestly a miracle to me that wizarding society doesn’t collapse every other week because like
You’ve got this world full of people who can destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them
And there is literally no common sense
Anywhere to be found
Voldemort would never have had anyone find out he was back if he just went around calling himself Steve
Okay, see, I thought I saved this post to comment on it but I’d like to bring up
The Minister would NEVER EVER disbelieve in Gerald White. He’d buy it hook line and sinker. The wizarding world would buy it hook line and sinker. The GOBLINS wouldn’t but wizards have been shown to be pretty blindingly clueless. Still, Gringotts would grudgingly give Sirius access to the Black fortune.
But, but, but, you know the one person
the one person
who Gerald White would drive AB-SO-LUTELY FUCKING BATSHIT?
Severus Snape.
Snape would do everything, EVERYTHING, to get people to believe that it’s Sirius. But the Order would ignore it (they accepted Sirius as Sirius before anyway) and Remus would just be so… so affronted.
‘Severus, he is my cousin.’
And Sirius would love it. He’d love the fact that Snape just hated it. He’d be the BEST DAMN GERALD WHITE EVER b/c Snape is doing everything from dropping veritaserum into his firewhisky to capturing a dementor in a box and releasing it on Sirius when he least expects it
That one causes problems for a bare minute because SHIT A DEMENTOR ATTEMPTED TO GIVE GERALD THE KISS MAYBE SNAPE IS RIGHT except Harry comes forward and is like ‘excuse me, I’ve never committed a crime and dementors are ALWAYS attacking me, I think they’re attracted to glasses’
and the magical community is like ‘shit, yeah, you’re right’
i’m just sitting here dying of laughter thinking about McGonagall looking over Harry in first year like yeah the kid gets into some dangerous shenanigans but it always seems to be for a greater purpose and his heart’s in the right place and he’s so sweet and quiet usually, clearly he takes after his mother Lily thank goodness this is good this boy is good
and then dead ass one year later kid shows up to school crashing into a tree with his bestie in a flying car instead of just owling the damn school that they’d missed the train and she’s just like DING DONG I WAS WRONG
